It's Time For Me to Parent

For the most part, being the father of Jocelyn Marie and Joseph Aaron has been a pretty easy gig.

Aside from a 1st grade incident where she lashed a girl on the hand  with a jump rope as some sort of initiation into an exclusive club, I've never gotten anything but praise from any adult that has dealt with her.  She's self-motivated, good-hearted, and hard-working. She's always made me look like a better father than I am.

Jojo isn't nearly as self-motivated, but he's always been good to the core. He'd give you his last piece of candy. He's a double-edged sword, the fact that he doesn't give a crap about anything - he regularly forgets what day it is - is part of his charm. It's also maddening at times.

But he's a regular boy - and he's decent, loyal and loving. I see it most vividly in sports when the games are well in hand and he does everything he can to set up the lesser players for THEIR moment. I see it in how generously he gives. I see it in how he treats animals. And behavior wise, he's done a couple of "normal boy" things - but nothing I'm too worried about.

I was a HELL of a lot worse at his age.

"You have good kids" I'm told routinely, as well as the corollary "you're a great Dad." The truth is I haven't done much, they make me look a lot better than I am.

My kids need me now - more than ever, and I'm not sure what to do.

My daughter is having trouble sleeping. She has a sadder affect than I've ever seen her have. I rarely see true joy out of her anymore. We've talked about it. It seemed like we pin-pointed it to her having trouble the week of band festivals - where she auditions to go to the next level. That was the theory. While I certainly wanted to address that - you can't stop sleeping every time something big is coming up - she made state band this past weekend. She smiled for about 20 minutes. But it stopped. She's not morose, there's just something wrong. She said she's having trouble sleeping again.

She says she can't stop thinking. I'm trying to give her some tools and we're getting her someone to talk to. She insists she's not being bullied - a concern I've had ever since she came out. There are a couple of friends that have dropped off the scene but others have come on - and they seem like character kids as well. I know her girlfriends Mom is VERY much against the relationship and does everything she can to thwart it. She understands that nobody is going to be upset if she doesn't make district, regional, or state band. I would chalk it up to "normal" teenage behaviour, but there's nothing "normal" about either side of her family tree. She knows that - and that makes her worry too.

She doesn't want to be like her Mom - and the closest thing she had to a Mom has moved away. That's my fault. That's for later.

At least Jojo knows how to talk to women!
He just can't read. 

Jojo's reading has been an issue for years - but it has reached critical mass. After making honor roll first marking period his reading grade dropped to a C in the second and at mid-term it's a solid F. We read together every night now - something frankly I haven't done nearly as consistently as I should - and lord does he struggle. I keep believing if we keep working hard at it there will be a breakthrough - that he'll somehow get it. He's never read at grade level - but he's never been that far behind. But quite honestly I think he's on par with a lot of 3rd and 4th graders. I look at places like Sylvan - but I've gotten mixed reviews and that's a lot of money on a maybe. I look for websites and exercises - but they are mostly geared at younger kids..Everyone I ask whose an expert says the same thing - "read with him." So I got a couple of books I hoped he'd be interested in and we read together. I read a paragraph, he reads a paragraph. He reads word to word - he misses a lot of concepts. It blows my mind he hasn't fallen well behind in math yet.

This isn't my finest hour either. Mary was a part of my life, a part of me, for over 4 years and I still expect her to come through the door sometimes. I won't get into what cause Mary to leave as there's no one reason - but rest assured there's a lot I wish I had done differently. She was my best friend. I miss her. The finality of it didn't hit me for a few weeks but it's hitting me hard now.

I want another cat and name
it Smithers. But then I'll
want an Apu. Where does it end?

 I am incredibly sad about my Dad - I feel like the worlds worst son. And like it often happens with me - I'm upset about just about everything...I'm mad at my lack of career growth, my weight, my failure as a Father...the house I live in. I also hate my stupid cat Flanders - but he makes my kids happy. Particularly my daughter. Money concerns are constant.

Years ago I used to contemplate suicide in these down times - but at least I've evolved to the point where I don't consider that option. I don't have that luxury. I also know one thing: I've fought this battle before, and I've won.

But it's not about me now. It's about my kids - who need me for the first time in their life.