Missing My Religion

I miss being a Christian.

Not long ago we were watching Hoosiers and the obvious reference to David vs. Goliath was mentioned. I looked at my son - who has spent some time in Sunday school but is anything but "well-churched."

I asked him - "Do you know about David and Goliath?"

"No," he answered, "were they good basketball players?"

Did I mention my Mom is a Lutheran minister? We won't be sharing that anecdote on Easter Sunday.

Last week I decided I needed more confirmation that I have completely ignored my vows when I baptized Jojo.

"Do you know what happened on Good Friday?"

"Yeah...no...I don't know" He was on this obnoxious headset that makes him look like a fighter pilot playing Mortal Combat. Those of you who have dubbed me a good parent should be having serious doubts right about now.

"Well - Jesus died on Good Friday."

"Oh yeah - I heard about that. Why'd he die?"

This was an asinine time to have such a conversation, but I pressed forward. "Um...to redeem us for our sins."

"Oh...were people bad back then?"

What the hell...I opened this can of worms, "Well no, um...yeah, they were bad but he died for us too. Because we are sinners just like them."

"Even me?" he asked. Let me state for the record there was no wide-eyed interest in the whole thing - he was just killing time until a friend logged in so he could shoot up enemy villages with a partner.

"Yes, even you. We're all sinners. We all do things wrong."

That seemed to resonate..."Like that time I shot the penalty kick over the goal?"

OK...He didn't say that - but trust me that the conversation wasn't resonating. He certainly didn't come any closer to understanding a key message of Christianity through this conversation. Maybe he felt better knowing that even know he pisses me off when he plays bad defense and doesn't rebound in a basketball game that some guy died to take care of it.

My spiritual friends - particularly those that met me in church - are probably taken aback. And I hate to add to it - but I still don't feel much desire to roll back into church.

My daughter is confirmed and at least knows her way around a church - she's got the basics down. She doesn't thank Jesus for forgiving her when she blares a note on her French Horn on a rest, but she's not lobbying us to go back. Then again - not many teenagers would.

I'm not an Atheist. I am not that arrogant. Hard core Atheists are every bit as annoying and arrogant as the religious fanatics they dismiss as deluded or arrogant. I may agree with some of what Bill Maher says when it comes to politics, but I can't watch him anymore because he never misses a single opportunity to take a cheap potshot at anybody who believes in an entity beyond themselves.

I'm open to such an entity - but at the end of the day, I just don't know.

I guess that makes me Agnostic - but to me that label is little better than Atheist. I don't like to identify myself that way for reasons I can't explain.

I don't consider myself smarter than people who practice a religion - many of whom are brilliant. At the same time I don't want to be misunderstood as someone who never tried. I can school plenty of people on the Bible and argue a case for Christianity with the best of them. I have gone to plenty of Bible study, adult Sunday school, and I have read scores of books by Christian authors to grow my faith. I have come to this conclusion after years of trying.

Years ago I wrote a blog on MySpace (wow!) where I made the case that God's omnipotence was not a matter of knowing that I plan on mailing it in today at work and that tragedies like Sandy Hook were happening under his watch. I made the case that God had a learning curve - and cited the Bible to make my case. I argued that God understood that in the end good would win out over evil - that the human spirit would prevail. I essentially argued that if the story of humanity was a football game, God wouldn't be able to explain why the hell a team called a draw on 3rd and 18, but he would know what's most important: the final score.

My Christian friends wholeheartedly dismissed my theory with a heck of a lot of passion. And while they argued their case eloquently - but in the end I held to my theory. My friends didn't understand - I was trying to reconcile a loving God amidst this world - I didn't need a speech on predestination anymore than a Mother who watches a child suffer with cancer wants to hear that the whole thing is part of God's plan.

Suffering of children is one of my main problems with Christianity. I'm not the first that came up with this. In Doestovsky's classic The Brothers Karamazov - for my money one of the best pieces of literature ever - the character Ivan spends a lot of time explaining his lack of belief, but reconciling a loving God with a child's suffering was at the core of it.

I have other issues. The Bible doesn't add up (for me) in a lot of places. As Christians we like to skip over a good part of the Old Testament. The draconian and unreasonable laws laid down by God in Leviticus, the stories of horrible massacres - all orchestrated by God - in several books...Basically if the Israelites pissed off God they got routed in battle, if they acted right they would be able to kill 60,000 people at a clip. I can't get excited about Passover. With all due respect to my Jewish friends the God who swept through Egypt and took out every first born son isn't a God I want to align myself with.

But I'm not arguing anything new - and I know there are eloquent and reasonable explanations Christians (and Jews) can make to explain all of my "issues." But in the end, I can't call myself a Christian anymore.

That doesn't mean I don't miss it.

I love the idea of Jesus - the king who came in and spent most of his time with those that society snubbed. He fed the poor, he forgave the underserving, he loved and laughed and cried and remained true to his mission. For the life of me I can't understand how Conervatism and Christianity seem to go hand in hand (in many cases.) Jesus is probably the biggest factor in my identifying myself as a liberal. To me he was the ultimate liberal.

OK - I SWEAR this chapel had a bench outside the entrance
when I was a cadet!

I miss praying and believing that God heard. I miss the 17-year old boy who was facing dismissal from his high school and sat and prayed for hours outside the school chapel one night and when the decision came down that not only would I not be dismissed but that my punishment would be little more than a slap on the wrist - I celebrated God's love for me.

I miss church camp. I would go every Summer in the mountains of Virginia and laugh and grow close to people who probably wouldn't give me the time of day in the real world.

I miss the young man that prayed for hours that I would get a job and I woke up the next morning to a phone call telling me the job was mine.

I miss the guy who was battling his first bout of depression and had thoughts of suicide and after a Good Friday service in 1995 I sat alone in the church and cried and asked God for something, ANYTHING, good to happen. A few weeks later I met my wife at a gym a block away from said church.

But praying also led me to start a ridiculously stupid business that never, ever, was going to make money. I thought it was God's will. I also thought it was God's will that led me to write a condescending column in my church newsletter lambasting the membership for what I felt was an inadequate reaction to Hurricane Katrina - I still shudder at my arrogance. The marriage I thought God had sent to me wound up in years of misery for both of us and ended.

In short - believing in the loving God of the Bible and trying hard to be what I considered a good Christian left me incredibly depressed a good amount of the time. While I have far from beaten my depression - I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be when I was trying hard to be "right" with God.

No - I just can't believe anymore. I'm not alone. Religion is dying in this country - in a big way, particularly mainline Protestant churches. The congregations are dying and there aren't people replacing them. One of the largest churches in Bethlehem (that's PA - not overseas!) can seat hundreds but most of the seats are empty. The Sunday school has about 10 kids. Total.



And yet.

I believe in the overall goodness of the human spirit. I think there's a reason that true evil can be recognized and that collective consciousness can not be explained simply by Science. Why do I care at all about children dying in Connecticut? Why would so many of us cry over it. On a logical level it doesn't make sense - on a spiritual level it does.

I've spoken of Christianity because that's all I know. Sure I can explain the basics of other faiths - but I haven't practiced them. Maybe I should give them a try.

Or maybe I'm like the prodigal son. Maybe I'll return. I haven't given up on God, but I don't know when, or if, I'll return to the flock.

I was looking for an image of Jesus for here - but I only
found pictures of white guys!

I'll miss going to church this Sunday and belting out beautiful hymns like Thine is the Glory and Jesus Christ has Risen Today. Maybe I will go - but I feel bad going for ceremonial and nostalgic purposes.

Thanks for reading.

Happy Easter.

Dear Hero: Let's Talk

So you're gay.

 I guess that's a hard thing to tell your Dad. I get that. But your Mom? It wasn't that long ago you came and asked me the biblical position on homosexuals. I pointed out that the same verses where the "practice" (a really bad choice of words but like most blogs I'm doing this one at 3am) was forbidden comes among a whole slew of verses where the standards are so high (and the punishments so severe) that were we to follow the rules as layed out in Leviticus we would all be walking around with nails in our tongues, or not walking around at all.

I pointed out that Jesus never spent any time condemning homosexuals, rather he chose to spend his efforts on loving society's outcasts. I told her Jesus didn't say anything about homosexuals - but he had plenty to say about the righteous.

I don't even know what I believe anymore - but I think I did OK on that one. I made her feel OK without slamming the door on Christianity should she ever decide to explore again.

But you've never told me. You seem to have told everybody but me. I like to think you just assume I know and I'm OK with it. I hope my rant last year about not wanting to go to Rehobeth Beach on vacation didn't upset you! :-)

Maybe it was when I realized you were following gay support groups on Twitter. Maybe it was when you took the "Day of Silence" to a degree bordering on silly. Maybe it was your eloquent and passionate speech about the Kurt character on Glee. Maybe it was when you joined Young Marines.


It was probably when you started talking about a new friend you met last year. It was quickly obvious she was a lot more than a friend.


None of these things in and of themselves was anything that made me sure you were gay. I never was sure. You threw some stuff at me with a couple random boyfriends. I hope you didn't bring them around for my benefit.

My friends tell me that  a girl your age shouldn't get caught up in labels - and that girls area a lot more fluid sexually than boy and that it's not unheard of for a girl to experiment and in the end choose boys. And that's fine. But it's also fine if you stay where you are. I need you to understand that.

As sort of a sidebar - let me just say that I give major kudos to kids today for being so accepting of people with different gender orientations. Oh I'm sure it's not easy - but nobody was admitting these things when I was in school. I went to a small high school and college - but I went to school with at least 5,500 different people over the years and none of them were openly gay. Many have come out since then - but back then it wasn't an option. Pop culture from the 80's and early 90's is full of disdainful references to gay people - we weren't ready for it.

I wasn't ready for it in high school - but I think I had a pretty good reason. It was a Southern baptist military academy. The very first night as a cadet I stood at parade rest in a steaming hot room while two guys riffed on how none of us better be gay...That they'd run us out if we were - that there was nothing worse you could be - at Fork Union or anywhere else. It was asinine. With the edict on homosexuals came the rule that masturbation was the way they'd know if we were gay. So we had 500 teenage boys pretending not to masterbate. It was at FUMA where I discovered nocturnal emissions. I even felt guilty about those - it wasn't until college I learned that I was normal - at least biologically.

But any homophobia I had ended when the AIDS quilt came to Lafayette. I spent hours in the schools field house looking over as many patches of the quilt I could find. I remember Freddy Mercury's tribute was there as well as some other celebrities - but for the most part I remember the quilts of regular people. It was obvious they were no different than me - that gay people weren't trying to pervert society - they were just trying to be themselves.

This was 1992. As a society we weren't quite ready. The evangelical Christians were still relevant - and vocal. Even in 2004, the Democratic Presidential candidate - the most boring man alive - couldn't even stand up and support the gay population. Give the Democrats credit - they managed to throw out the one guy in America lacking the charisma to defeat President Bush - and even then he lost by a single state.

But I digress as I often do. The point is - what was a modicum of acceptance a decade ago has turned into an avalanche. Mainline churches are dying - but open homosexuality is accepted. As it should be.

My daughter, my hero, do you think I can't handle this? Do you think I'll dismiss your feelings as a fad? Or try and "bring you back" to my team? You have to know me better than that. Please tell me that's the case. I know I don't always give you a tower of strength - but my shoulders are wide enough for this one.

I can help you. I can help you find colleges where you'll feel accepted (although to their credit - her friends know and are largely standing with her. To those of you beating up on kids today - stop it! I'm amazed at how much smarter and culturally sensitive kids are today. We aren't better than them).

Mental health issues run in our family. I can help you recognize and treat them if they come up.

Your friends Mother - a woman you knew and loved - died way to early a few days ago. You're attending your first funeral today. I'm sure you're asking why? You may be asking what the hell is the point of it all? I remember my first existential crisis and it wasn't pretty. It plagued me for years.

I can help you.

I haven't forgotten one iota about how hard it is to be a teenager.

It's obvious you aren't going to come to me. Oh to most of the world I'm a good Father. I am there for your events. We have a good relationship. I help you with your homework. I encourage you to pursue your passion and be proud of who you are. I guess I do the right things - but in this case I'm not doing enough. Not nearly enough.

Let's talk. You and me. maybe I'm not present enough lately. Maybe you think I don't have time and that your brother is my "child of choice." But your brother is my gift. You are my hero. You always have been.

Don't worry about coming to me. I'm the adult. I'm coming to you. Soon. And if you aren't ready to talk we'll just hang out and be completely unspectacular with one another - but you need to know I'm available. You need to know that for all the things I can't do - this is one I can handle.

I love you. More than words can say. I'm coming to help.