On Tuesday night I returned to the dating world. It was my first date since Mary and I parted
ways at the end of January. I couldn’t help but reflect back to my last
experience dating as an adult. It was 2010- 2011 and I dated over 50 women in
about 18 months.
It was the result of that date, however, that prompted this
blog. I’ll get to that later.
Initially I was going to write about my five “worst” dates, but
that would be kind of sad. For me, the worst dates are the ones where someone
gets hurt. By that I mean one person thinks there’s chemistry but the other isn’t
interested. I’ve been on both ends of that scenario - the “losing end more than
I care to admit - and it sucks. I’m not talking about those type of dates – as bad
as they are – because even though they can’t be called good, they are natural
and normal.
What I’m recounting here are my Five Most Dramatic Dates.
These are dates that went beyond meeting at a nice place,
greeting each other warmly but formally, and going about the inane but
necessary task of small talk surrounding your kids, careers, etc. The overwhelming majority of dates are like
this and they’re painful to watch due to their dullness.
These dates (or in some cases series of dates) were anything
but dull.
Number 5: Meat
She was my first date after separating. It was late 2010 and
I had been on my own for maybe 3 weeks. We met on Plentyoffish, the ground zero
of online dating. Small sidebar: those of you who think you’ll get a better
selection on the pay sites are mistaken, because pretty much EVERYBODY has a
pof profile.
Anyway, it started well enough. We ate at Stefano’s.
Conversation was decent. I don’t remember anything noteworthy happening
one way or the other. The whole thing was annoyingly normal.
For whatever reason, we decided to go to Barnes and Noble in
MY CAR afterward. Then things got interesting.
Somewhere along the line my love of infomercials came into
the conversation. This led to us having conflicting
opinions on the capabilities of the George Foreman Grill. I didn’t remember the
exact set up, but at some point I kiddingly (honestly) said that the Foreman
Grill could NEVER be the problem and she was probably using bad meat.
This didn’t go over too well.
“THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THE GOD-DAMNED MEAT” she
yelled. “I BUY MY FUCKING MEAT AT THE FARMERS MARKET.”
When you bring a hot-button issue like the ability to
distinguish between Prime and Choice into the equation you’re taking one hell
of a gamble. I lost big. I tried to recover, but hell hath no fury like a woman
whose meat-cooking ability has been called into question.
To make it even worse, we were in the parking lot of Barnes
and Noble when she had this tirade. So we went through the store, probably bringing
the temp down about 30 degrees, and then endured the longest 15 minutes in the
history of the world as I drove her home.
She ran out of the car as I pulled up.
Someday I’ll write a blog listing all of my dating mistakes.
For now I’ll just point out the big one I made on this one: I overshot. A full
dinner AND a shopping trip on a first date? Who the hell did I think I was? Let’s
face it, the Foreman Grill issue would have eventually broke us up as it has
with countless other couples, but we probably could have gone a couple more
dates before tackling this divisive issue.
Number 4: Special
Delivery
As long as you’re willing to put in the work and reduce your
standards to women living within 30 miles of you, even the ugliest among us can
have a date every night of the week. (For women it’s even easier – but that’s
another blog entirely).
It was around 4 PM on a Saturday and I was texting back and
forth with another POF member. She kept going on about how she hated “traditional”
dating as it didn’t allow people to really get to know each other.
”Yeah” I agreed “it sucks” not really understanding what she
meant.
At 7:00 she announced she wanted to meet. I was told to
head to Easton and text her when I was at Ferry and 3rd if she wasn’t
there already. There are some nice
restaurants in that area and if you aren’t looking for trouble that part of
town is relatively safe.
So I went to the appointed place at the appointed time and texted
her that I had arrived. A couple of minutes later a beat-up Kia held together
by duct tape came screeching to a halt in front of me. A dashing young woman
sporting a vintage hoodie popped out - but didn’t close the door - and said “get
in.”
The first rule of improvisational comedy is “never block a
scene.” You might argue I was insane to get in the car – but I was not about to
go against this timeless principle. An
hour prior I had been watching a Law and Order marathon. NOW I was facing the
possibility of being the basis for a future episode. I couldn’t turn down that
kind of adrenaline rush. I got in.
She screeched off. I didn’t know where we were going, but I
got the impression we were running late. Given her choice of attire, I assumed
she had made reservations at a local fine-dining establishment.
Except there aren’t any sit-down restaurants in side streets
of Easton’s West Ward – and that’s where we were. After nearly hitting about 30
cars she reached under my seat and pulled out a VERY high-powered flashlight and
began scanning the houses. This was improvisational comedy at its best. She
even had props!
All of a sudden she screeched to a halt, grabbed a paper bag
in the back seat, got out of the car and slammed the door.
I was so excited!
“OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!” I thought gleefuly….”THIS
IS ONE OF THOSE ACTIVITY DATES AND WE’RE GOING TO SLING DRUGS TOGETHER!”
I carefully watched the deal unfold. The buyer quietly
slipped my date $35. My date looked around, made sure that 5-0 wasn’t nearby,
and handed him a brown bag.
A brown bag with two quarts of wonton soup and an
undisclosed amount of lo-mein.
Yes, that was her idea of a date. Talking while she did her Chinese
food delivery route. So for two hours we careened through Easton while she
explained that she couldn’t get car insurance and that she hated Lafayette
students.
In the end, sad to say, I didn’t do it for this young woman.
“You’re too nerdy” she told me. But as a parting gift I did get a General Tso’s
combo meal (plus a soda) on the house and that ain’t a bad evening in my book.
Number 3: Bad-Boy
Lover
For 90% of this date it looked like we were in a run-out-the-clock
situation. She was educated, nice, and pretty enough. I was pretty “on” with
the charm, but the “it” factor was
missing. When the meal was over, I put my credit card in the leather fold and
went to the bathroom. I figured I’d go back, write in the tip and the date
would end with a friendly hug and us never speaking again.
Except when I got back to the table my date had a different
demeanor altogether. She was smiling a lot more than she had been. “Are you ready?” she asked. I was definitely
ready, but not for what she suggested. She wanted to go to a bar closer to her
house and hang out for a while longer. All of a sudden she seemed 100 times
more interested in me. It made no sense.
Two hours later, I was at her house.
So what happened?
It turns out that while I was in the bathroom she had been
approached by another woman I had dated who WORKED THERE unbeknownst to me
(this woman was looking for work when we had our date.) The former date told my current date “Get the
hell away now because he’s a psychotic asshole.”
Apparently rather than making my date scared of me, it
served the purpose of getting her hot. I had spent the entire time being a
polite gentleman and just when she was about to give me the Heisman, she got
turned on. Nice guy, who opens doors and makes funny jokes: Dime a dozen. Guy
who does this but is known for being a psychotic asshole: LET’S GET NAKED!
Number 2: Elegant
Girl
When I’m going through online dating profiles, it’s not just
about seeing if I’m attracted to someone. I also have to summon my humility and ask “would
they be attracted to me.” I don’t write supermodels – it’s not worth the
bandwidth. I don’t write women who clearly are looking for guys with tattoos
and ride motorcycles. As badass as I am, it doesn’t come across to some women!
This young woman was a reach. She had a Jersey look and
attitude going on as well as a nose piercing. She didn’t look like a freak, she
had a very unique, dare I say “elegant” look about her. She pulled it off. I thought there was a 10% chance she’d write
back.
She did write back, and she was nice. We had her first date
and it went well. I still assumed she’d
write the polite “you’re a sweet guy but….” letter afterward.
Except she didn’t.
We had a second date and it was also nice. So we wound up
going to a pretty high-end restaurant for our third date because she seemed to
have the class and wherewithal to navigate such a place and I like to pretend
my life turned out decently every once in a while.
As we got to know each other, she mentioned guys she had
dated in the past. Not to be stereotypical but the names and descriptions she
gave left me thinking she was better suited to be dating a Vinny from Caldwell
NJ than Aaron from Bethlehem PA.
I asked her “um….do you normally date guys like me?” She
laughed and said no. So before I could ask what the hell she was doing with me
she said “I’ve never dated anyone like you. You treat me like a lady. You haven’t
tried to have sex with me. I like this. I like dating.”
And so I thought we had the start of something beautiful.
A few days later she called me from a bar.
“Listen,” she said…”I want you to meet my Mom and my
brother. This place is a little different than you’re used to – but I really
want you to meet them.”
It started out OK. The place was a dive but I wanted to save
money anyway.
Her Mom was nice enough. She thanked me for treating her
daughter so well. Her brother gave me a
man-hug and was probably named Vito or Tony or something.
Then my elegant “girlfriend” decided we all needed some
shots. So that’s what we did. I did two shots and stopped. I figured that meant
I would need at least 90 minutes before I could drive. Her and her family didn’t stop until they had at least 5
shots. At that point my “girlfriend” wandered off and left me with my future
brother-in-law. He pounded me on the shoulder about 100 times and told me I was
a good fucking guy. The Mom played a
game on the touchscreen at the bar that involved– I swear to God – finding and
touching the genitals of men in pictures within a pre-determined amount of
time.
She was REALLY good at this game.
After twenty minutes or so I heard a commotion on the other
side of the room. It was clearly a fight. Hair was being pulled. “FUCK YOU
BITCH” was screamed about 30 times. Sure
enough, my classy, elegant girl was holding tight to about eight inches of
another woman’s hair.
The staff moved in to break it up. At that point my dates
MOM had made her way over and was in the face of the Mother of the opponent.
Vito/Tony/Johnny, whatever managed to quell that melee before it got too out of
hand. “Mom , go sit the fuck down.” He
said. “You believe this motherfucking shit Aaron? Damn women can’t just hang
out like civilized motherfuckers like us.”
I hung out with Pauly/Anthony whatever until the effects of
the shots wore off. When I left my classy girl was passed out on a pool table.
Nobody seemed to think this was unusual.
I never saw her again.
OK, Before I get to number one – I’ll give some two
honorable mentions:
·
Dancing
Queen: I’ve never had a good date with a woman named Michele (no matter how
she spells it) and I’ve never had a good date with a woman from Northampton.
Denise’s I do well with and Lehighton women seem to like me. I’ve never had the
good fortune of dating a Denise from Lehighton, but I DID get the perfect storm
of Michelle from Northampton. The whole date revolved around her being on a
faculty dance team and that they were better than the schools regular dance
team. We watched the Youtube videos.
·
Dog
Woman: Rule of thumb for guys online
dating: If the chicks profile pictures are full of them with their dogs, or in
some cases ONLY their dogs – stay far away. My “relationship” with this
particular girl ended because I wouldn’t attend an ADULT New Year’s Eve party with
her because she insisted on bringing her dog… “I always bring my dog…” she
argued…”because you were the only one without a date” I explained.
The dog won. I’m ok with it.
Number 1: Satan
Unfortunately, there’s little in the way of funny about this
one. As I said at the beginning, this blog really isn’t about my worst dates. However,
my encounter Tuesday was the worst date I ever had.
I’ve had a LOT of dates – and even in the worst of
circumstances I have found something to like, a way to connect with every
single one of them. Take meat for instance – I admire that kind of passion. I look for the inherent goodness in everyone.
Sometimes it’s humbling to accept that I just don’t do it for someone, but I don’t
take it personally.
On Tuesday I looked into the eyes of dating madness.
We met in the parking lot. It was immediately apparent that
she had used a VERY old picture of herself in her profile and even then she had
cleverly disguised some of her features. I wanted to end it right there. I have
no illusions of being good looking, but I don’t deceive. People know what they’re
getting when we meet.
But I kept my hopes up. “Maybe she’s nice,” I thought. If a woman
is nice, confident and intelligent, that can erase a LOT of lacking physical
features. However, any hope I had of her being nice was gone in three minutes
as she rudely demanded the server reseat us and acted as if he wasn’t doing his
job. Then she told me “everybody is so stupid.”
The date consisted of her telling me that I didn’t know how
to organize my time because I claimed to be busy but I only have two kids (she
has 3). She listed all of the activities they do – (it was NOT that impressive
of a list but I smiled and nodded) and then mocked the things I do like coach
and Toastmasters.
Anger management is not one of my problems. But after listening to her marginalize
everything my kids do while reminding me countless times her kids had high IQ’s
and then upping the ante by chastising me for allowing my kids to attend
Bethlehem schools I was done.
I don’t know where this fits – but I guess she was on some
sort of low-carb diet so she was constantly tossing pieces of bread across the
table.
Her kids went to Northampton by the way (she was from Bath –
so I guess I have to expand my rule to never dating someone from the entire school
district). There’s nothing wrong with the Northampton School district – but it’s
not exactly Phillips Exeter up there (although they do have a good faculty
dance team I’m told).
I had eaten about 3 bites of my sandwich and took the
unprecedented move of ending the show early. “I’ll pay the bill” I told her…”You
can leave.”
She sat there open-mouthed for a couple of minutes. “Word of
advice” she said….”LOOSEN UP” and she left in a huff.
If YOU”VE had a dating horror story, or preferably just a
funny date – write me a line (aaronin2016@gmail.com)
– If I get enough maybe I’ll share them!
Have a great holiday!
