Dear Hero: Let's Talk

So you're gay.

 I guess that's a hard thing to tell your Dad. I get that. But your Mom? It wasn't that long ago you came and asked me the biblical position on homosexuals. I pointed out that the same verses where the "practice" (a really bad choice of words but like most blogs I'm doing this one at 3am) was forbidden comes among a whole slew of verses where the standards are so high (and the punishments so severe) that were we to follow the rules as layed out in Leviticus we would all be walking around with nails in our tongues, or not walking around at all.

I pointed out that Jesus never spent any time condemning homosexuals, rather he chose to spend his efforts on loving society's outcasts. I told her Jesus didn't say anything about homosexuals - but he had plenty to say about the righteous.

I don't even know what I believe anymore - but I think I did OK on that one. I made her feel OK without slamming the door on Christianity should she ever decide to explore again.

But you've never told me. You seem to have told everybody but me. I like to think you just assume I know and I'm OK with it. I hope my rant last year about not wanting to go to Rehobeth Beach on vacation didn't upset you! :-)

Maybe it was when I realized you were following gay support groups on Twitter. Maybe it was when you took the "Day of Silence" to a degree bordering on silly. Maybe it was your eloquent and passionate speech about the Kurt character on Glee. Maybe it was when you joined Young Marines.


It was probably when you started talking about a new friend you met last year. It was quickly obvious she was a lot more than a friend.


None of these things in and of themselves was anything that made me sure you were gay. I never was sure. You threw some stuff at me with a couple random boyfriends. I hope you didn't bring them around for my benefit.

My friends tell me that  a girl your age shouldn't get caught up in labels - and that girls area a lot more fluid sexually than boy and that it's not unheard of for a girl to experiment and in the end choose boys. And that's fine. But it's also fine if you stay where you are. I need you to understand that.

As sort of a sidebar - let me just say that I give major kudos to kids today for being so accepting of people with different gender orientations. Oh I'm sure it's not easy - but nobody was admitting these things when I was in school. I went to a small high school and college - but I went to school with at least 5,500 different people over the years and none of them were openly gay. Many have come out since then - but back then it wasn't an option. Pop culture from the 80's and early 90's is full of disdainful references to gay people - we weren't ready for it.

I wasn't ready for it in high school - but I think I had a pretty good reason. It was a Southern baptist military academy. The very first night as a cadet I stood at parade rest in a steaming hot room while two guys riffed on how none of us better be gay...That they'd run us out if we were - that there was nothing worse you could be - at Fork Union or anywhere else. It was asinine. With the edict on homosexuals came the rule that masturbation was the way they'd know if we were gay. So we had 500 teenage boys pretending not to masterbate. It was at FUMA where I discovered nocturnal emissions. I even felt guilty about those - it wasn't until college I learned that I was normal - at least biologically.

But any homophobia I had ended when the AIDS quilt came to Lafayette. I spent hours in the schools field house looking over as many patches of the quilt I could find. I remember Freddy Mercury's tribute was there as well as some other celebrities - but for the most part I remember the quilts of regular people. It was obvious they were no different than me - that gay people weren't trying to pervert society - they were just trying to be themselves.

This was 1992. As a society we weren't quite ready. The evangelical Christians were still relevant - and vocal. Even in 2004, the Democratic Presidential candidate - the most boring man alive - couldn't even stand up and support the gay population. Give the Democrats credit - they managed to throw out the one guy in America lacking the charisma to defeat President Bush - and even then he lost by a single state.

But I digress as I often do. The point is - what was a modicum of acceptance a decade ago has turned into an avalanche. Mainline churches are dying - but open homosexuality is accepted. As it should be.

My daughter, my hero, do you think I can't handle this? Do you think I'll dismiss your feelings as a fad? Or try and "bring you back" to my team? You have to know me better than that. Please tell me that's the case. I know I don't always give you a tower of strength - but my shoulders are wide enough for this one.

I can help you. I can help you find colleges where you'll feel accepted (although to their credit - her friends know and are largely standing with her. To those of you beating up on kids today - stop it! I'm amazed at how much smarter and culturally sensitive kids are today. We aren't better than them).

Mental health issues run in our family. I can help you recognize and treat them if they come up.

Your friends Mother - a woman you knew and loved - died way to early a few days ago. You're attending your first funeral today. I'm sure you're asking why? You may be asking what the hell is the point of it all? I remember my first existential crisis and it wasn't pretty. It plagued me for years.

I can help you.

I haven't forgotten one iota about how hard it is to be a teenager.

It's obvious you aren't going to come to me. Oh to most of the world I'm a good Father. I am there for your events. We have a good relationship. I help you with your homework. I encourage you to pursue your passion and be proud of who you are. I guess I do the right things - but in this case I'm not doing enough. Not nearly enough.

Let's talk. You and me. maybe I'm not present enough lately. Maybe you think I don't have time and that your brother is my "child of choice." But your brother is my gift. You are my hero. You always have been.

Don't worry about coming to me. I'm the adult. I'm coming to you. Soon. And if you aren't ready to talk we'll just hang out and be completely unspectacular with one another - but you need to know I'm available. You need to know that for all the things I can't do - this is one I can handle.

I love you. More than words can say. I'm coming to help.