Missing My Religion

I miss being a Christian.

Not long ago we were watching Hoosiers and the obvious reference to David vs. Goliath was mentioned. I looked at my son - who has spent some time in Sunday school but is anything but "well-churched."

I asked him - "Do you know about David and Goliath?"

"No," he answered, "were they good basketball players?"

Did I mention my Mom is a Lutheran minister? We won't be sharing that anecdote on Easter Sunday.

Last week I decided I needed more confirmation that I have completely ignored my vows when I baptized Jojo.

"Do you know what happened on Good Friday?"

"Yeah...no...I don't know" He was on this obnoxious headset that makes him look like a fighter pilot playing Mortal Combat. Those of you who have dubbed me a good parent should be having serious doubts right about now.

"Well - Jesus died on Good Friday."

"Oh yeah - I heard about that. Why'd he die?"

This was an asinine time to have such a conversation, but I pressed forward. "Um...to redeem us for our sins."

"Oh...were people bad back then?"

What the hell...I opened this can of worms, "Well no, um...yeah, they were bad but he died for us too. Because we are sinners just like them."

"Even me?" he asked. Let me state for the record there was no wide-eyed interest in the whole thing - he was just killing time until a friend logged in so he could shoot up enemy villages with a partner.

"Yes, even you. We're all sinners. We all do things wrong."

That seemed to resonate..."Like that time I shot the penalty kick over the goal?"

OK...He didn't say that - but trust me that the conversation wasn't resonating. He certainly didn't come any closer to understanding a key message of Christianity through this conversation. Maybe he felt better knowing that even know he pisses me off when he plays bad defense and doesn't rebound in a basketball game that some guy died to take care of it.

My spiritual friends - particularly those that met me in church - are probably taken aback. And I hate to add to it - but I still don't feel much desire to roll back into church.

My daughter is confirmed and at least knows her way around a church - she's got the basics down. She doesn't thank Jesus for forgiving her when she blares a note on her French Horn on a rest, but she's not lobbying us to go back. Then again - not many teenagers would.

I'm not an Atheist. I am not that arrogant. Hard core Atheists are every bit as annoying and arrogant as the religious fanatics they dismiss as deluded or arrogant. I may agree with some of what Bill Maher says when it comes to politics, but I can't watch him anymore because he never misses a single opportunity to take a cheap potshot at anybody who believes in an entity beyond themselves.

I'm open to such an entity - but at the end of the day, I just don't know.

I guess that makes me Agnostic - but to me that label is little better than Atheist. I don't like to identify myself that way for reasons I can't explain.

I don't consider myself smarter than people who practice a religion - many of whom are brilliant. At the same time I don't want to be misunderstood as someone who never tried. I can school plenty of people on the Bible and argue a case for Christianity with the best of them. I have gone to plenty of Bible study, adult Sunday school, and I have read scores of books by Christian authors to grow my faith. I have come to this conclusion after years of trying.

Years ago I wrote a blog on MySpace (wow!) where I made the case that God's omnipotence was not a matter of knowing that I plan on mailing it in today at work and that tragedies like Sandy Hook were happening under his watch. I made the case that God had a learning curve - and cited the Bible to make my case. I argued that God understood that in the end good would win out over evil - that the human spirit would prevail. I essentially argued that if the story of humanity was a football game, God wouldn't be able to explain why the hell a team called a draw on 3rd and 18, but he would know what's most important: the final score.

My Christian friends wholeheartedly dismissed my theory with a heck of a lot of passion. And while they argued their case eloquently - but in the end I held to my theory. My friends didn't understand - I was trying to reconcile a loving God amidst this world - I didn't need a speech on predestination anymore than a Mother who watches a child suffer with cancer wants to hear that the whole thing is part of God's plan.

Suffering of children is one of my main problems with Christianity. I'm not the first that came up with this. In Doestovsky's classic The Brothers Karamazov - for my money one of the best pieces of literature ever - the character Ivan spends a lot of time explaining his lack of belief, but reconciling a loving God with a child's suffering was at the core of it.

I have other issues. The Bible doesn't add up (for me) in a lot of places. As Christians we like to skip over a good part of the Old Testament. The draconian and unreasonable laws laid down by God in Leviticus, the stories of horrible massacres - all orchestrated by God - in several books...Basically if the Israelites pissed off God they got routed in battle, if they acted right they would be able to kill 60,000 people at a clip. I can't get excited about Passover. With all due respect to my Jewish friends the God who swept through Egypt and took out every first born son isn't a God I want to align myself with.

But I'm not arguing anything new - and I know there are eloquent and reasonable explanations Christians (and Jews) can make to explain all of my "issues." But in the end, I can't call myself a Christian anymore.

That doesn't mean I don't miss it.

I love the idea of Jesus - the king who came in and spent most of his time with those that society snubbed. He fed the poor, he forgave the underserving, he loved and laughed and cried and remained true to his mission. For the life of me I can't understand how Conervatism and Christianity seem to go hand in hand (in many cases.) Jesus is probably the biggest factor in my identifying myself as a liberal. To me he was the ultimate liberal.

OK - I SWEAR this chapel had a bench outside the entrance
when I was a cadet!

I miss praying and believing that God heard. I miss the 17-year old boy who was facing dismissal from his high school and sat and prayed for hours outside the school chapel one night and when the decision came down that not only would I not be dismissed but that my punishment would be little more than a slap on the wrist - I celebrated God's love for me.

I miss church camp. I would go every Summer in the mountains of Virginia and laugh and grow close to people who probably wouldn't give me the time of day in the real world.

I miss the young man that prayed for hours that I would get a job and I woke up the next morning to a phone call telling me the job was mine.

I miss the guy who was battling his first bout of depression and had thoughts of suicide and after a Good Friday service in 1995 I sat alone in the church and cried and asked God for something, ANYTHING, good to happen. A few weeks later I met my wife at a gym a block away from said church.

But praying also led me to start a ridiculously stupid business that never, ever, was going to make money. I thought it was God's will. I also thought it was God's will that led me to write a condescending column in my church newsletter lambasting the membership for what I felt was an inadequate reaction to Hurricane Katrina - I still shudder at my arrogance. The marriage I thought God had sent to me wound up in years of misery for both of us and ended.

In short - believing in the loving God of the Bible and trying hard to be what I considered a good Christian left me incredibly depressed a good amount of the time. While I have far from beaten my depression - I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be when I was trying hard to be "right" with God.

No - I just can't believe anymore. I'm not alone. Religion is dying in this country - in a big way, particularly mainline Protestant churches. The congregations are dying and there aren't people replacing them. One of the largest churches in Bethlehem (that's PA - not overseas!) can seat hundreds but most of the seats are empty. The Sunday school has about 10 kids. Total.



And yet.

I believe in the overall goodness of the human spirit. I think there's a reason that true evil can be recognized and that collective consciousness can not be explained simply by Science. Why do I care at all about children dying in Connecticut? Why would so many of us cry over it. On a logical level it doesn't make sense - on a spiritual level it does.

I've spoken of Christianity because that's all I know. Sure I can explain the basics of other faiths - but I haven't practiced them. Maybe I should give them a try.

Or maybe I'm like the prodigal son. Maybe I'll return. I haven't given up on God, but I don't know when, or if, I'll return to the flock.

I was looking for an image of Jesus for here - but I only
found pictures of white guys!

I'll miss going to church this Sunday and belting out beautiful hymns like Thine is the Glory and Jesus Christ has Risen Today. Maybe I will go - but I feel bad going for ceremonial and nostalgic purposes.

Thanks for reading.

Happy Easter.