Early Morning Regrets

It's 3:30 AM.
I meet with my boss at 9:30 AM. I have a hell of a lot to do before then. The office opens at 5.
I do this kind of crap to myself all of the time. There's no reason in the world I shouldn't be sleeping right now, calm in the knowledge that I have worked as hard as possible and can justify my progress on every project.

I can't though.

This is a position I find myself in far too often - trying to rally at the very last minute. It causes a hell of a lot of anxiety and often serious self-loathing. There are times at work where I literally hit myself multiple times in anger for the time I wasted.

I can't keep living like this.

One problem is I'm about the most disorganized person God ever created, the other is that I am the worlds biggest procrastinator. There's nothing that can't wait...Until it really can't wait. I'm in that situation now. I got maybe 4 hours of sleep last night - I hope this is the last such night.

Like every idiot I wrote out about 20 resolutions for myself - and the one concerned with work was to achieve a "consistently exceeds" expectations. This isn't exactly an auspicious start - but it's early.

I wish I knew the difference between the "winners" and people like me. The truth is the overwhelming majority of us know what we should be doing. Rarely does our best use of time involve one more round of 2048.

I just want to get it right for one year. I just want to have one New Years eve where I don't lament everything I screwed up the year before. I'm 43 - my life is well past the halfway point. It's time to show the world I'm not a complete dud.

I'm off to a good start with the gym. I've gone 15 times over the last 17 days and I feel a difference. But right now I'm still a "resolutionary" - hopefully in March I'll be buying new pants.

But my job is where it really has to come together. I'm good at my job - but I could be so damn much better. This is the year I want to prove that. I don't want to think what would happen if I were to get let go from Guardian...But I don't just want to survive - I want respect. And you earn respect.

In other news my ragtag bunch of misfits that constitute my basketball team are embarking on a 3 games in 3 days weekend. We have no great players,but we do have six kids with some level of talent.We also have four duds - but maybe they'll skip a game here and there. We're 0-2 but our two losses were by a combined 3 points. What scares me is we haven't had much practice at all the past three weeks and we could be 0-5 in three days.

But I've obsessed way too much over such things in the past. Coaching kids is my outlet - but I can't use it to avoid real life.

It's day 9 of 2015. If I get through it unscathed (and even better with a W in basketball) - I might start getting excited about what this year can bring!