Special Guest Blog: Loving a Soccer Coach

Written by Mary -  who I couldn't do it without! 
On our first date I should have known

Aaron called me to tell me he was running late as I pulled into the parking garage in downtown Bethlehem on my way to the Brew Works. “Practice went a little long and then I had to wait a while for one of the kid’s parents – this girls parents are ALWAYS late,” he explained frantically. He told me to go in and get myself a drink and he’d be there soon.

He arrived a bit later (I’ve since learned to add 20% to whatever time frame he gives) in a nice button down in dire need of ironing and khakis. The first concern of all women who date online was assuaged – he definitely wasn’t married. No woman would let her husband stroll around with those kind of wrinkles. But he was clean, polite, and in a goofy way, charming. “Sorry about that” he said again explaining his lateness. “This is my last season coaching” he said.

Before I completely lambast that statement I will say that there was a period where he didn’t coach after that season. However he’s now coaching his 6th team since that night and there is no end in sight – so his retirement seems long ago. Even when he wasn’t coaching he was more than active – he basically did whatever the coach needed or wanted. If that meant running balls on the sidelines he did that. If it meant running drills he did that.

But back to our initial meeting, my first impression. He was coaching his daughter’s soccer team. It soon came out he had another child, a son who was four years younger than his daughter. “Does he play?” I asked – you talk about anything you can on these first dates – but to his credit Aaron kept it interesting even though the topic wasn’t my favorite thing. “Oh he plays,” he said with a smile, “but he’s too good for me to coach.”

 I didn’t know what he was talking about – but with Aaron you smile and nod a lot. We had a nice time that night in September, 2011. Aaron would quickly become an integral part of my life.

 So would soccer.

 “Find something you love” Aaron tells his kids at the end of every season he coaches. “It can be sports, music, art, writing, gardening, calculus – whatever, but find something that makes you happy and do it.” He practices what he preaches. He loves coaching, loves working with the kids, loves soccer (and basketball – which I am sad to report manages to take up our Winter months while the grass is not playable.)

 I wasn't a soccer fan before him. I watched it, my children played it but my interest was in supporting my kids, not in the game. This has changed with Aaron in my life. I now know way too much about this silly sport he told me was “the beautiful game.”

“Did you know if the wind blows the ball backwards into the goal without anyone touching it on a goal kick, it’s NOT an own goal but a corner kick for the opposing team?” He asked me this one morning out of the blue. He found this fascinating. Since I didn’t meet this statement with an appropriate level of awe and wonderment he went downstairs and went about trying to recreate the scenario on the Xbox FIFA 14 game. “I’ll bet EA Sports gets this one wrong” he said excitedly while telling Jojo to figure out how to make a ball go backwards with the remote control.

 Whenever I object to the insane demands this places on his time, OUR time he dismisses it with “it’s not all glamour being the partner of an e-licensed soccer coach babe...this is the life we’ve chosen.”

Glamour? Chosen? What’s he talking about. Aaron has this amazing ability to walk the line between serious and levity almost all of the time. Part of you knows he really isn’t that self-important, part of you wonders if he’s really isnane. “We’re Eagles Mary” he says – referring to the name of his team – as if that simple statement explains everything.

 It explains nothing.

And yet I smile and drive to practice because I am an Eagle. Or at least I love two of them, Aaron and Jojo. I often come home wanting to talk about my day just to be sidetracked by Aaron’s newest plan to make the team better. I don’t know how he does it. I’ll talk about how I had to work a case I wasn’t that comfortable with because I was the best available option and Aaron will take that in, stare off into the distance and mutter…”You know you’re right, Jojo needs to start playing defense. That’s what the team needs him to do right now.”

 I found myself near tears a few weeks ago for reasons I won’t bore you with. I will make clear, however, my being upset had nothing to do with soccer. Aaron, however, wasn’t so sure. “What’s wrong?” he asked me as I sat in our living room fighting back tears. Then Aaron’s face lit up as if he got it…”I understand” he said reassuringly…”That was a bad call giving them the penalty kick. It killed our momentum.”

 Maddening to be sure – but it’s Aaron so there’s an even chance he was kidding.

 This past Spring season was brutal and the last three games were probably the toughest. The Eagles played in extreme temperatures with no subs. They lost all three, but they played their hearts out and left everything on the field. One of Aaron’s favorite quotes is “You learn from winning, you learn something different but equally valuable from losing. You don’t learn anything from not trying.”

His kids seem to get it. And in those moments I realize why he believes so much in this. It’s doubtful he’ll produce a single soccer pro, or basketball star, but it’s a definite fact that all of these kids will go on to become adults. The things he preaches the loudest – demanding that all of his kids be leaders, that they carry themselves with pride and class, that they never stop fighting – the messages resonate far beyond soccer.

 Most of the kids Aaron coaches come from good homes and have plenty of role models. This isn’t a Hollywood story, Aaron isn’t a father figure to anyone but his son. But he does want the best for those boys – I don’t think other parents realize how much he cares about their welfare.

I’m not the fanatic Aaron is – but I can say I “get it” now. I’ve made friends through this, I’ve watched these kids grow and I’ve become quite fond of all of them. Every once in a while a girl who played for Aaron 5 or 6 years ago will come up to say hi to him. It always makes Aaron happier than words can say.

 And it won’t last forever, in fact it will be over all too soon. It may be a year. It may be two or three – but it won’t be that long in the scheme of things. I know in the end Aaron won’t regret the time spent doing it – and I can’t argue with him as I know how fast it ends.

 So I look forward to another season of Aaron scouring the internet, Amazon, and wherever else for the latest drills. Another few months of Aaron becoming an expert in meteorology who can explain in ridiculous detail why the thunderstorm headed to this area is going to affect everything but his practice field. Another season of watching Aaron always one step behind on the mountains of paperwork and other stuff needed to play games and enter tournaments. I’ll get another few months of Aaron waking up early on game day and dragging everyone downstairs to watch motivational videos because “we need a culture of winning in this house so that the Eagles can win more games.”
(Again – I have no idea if he’s serious, I smile and nod).

 He’s not a great soccer coach. He’d hand it over in a second to someone who could do it better – because he wants what’s best for the kids. He gets a LOT of help from other parents – and he knows he couldn’t do it without them. But he’s passionate about it – and there’s something contagious about it.

 Jojo – he’s passionate too. And he could be great. Not a bad sideshow.

Finding Our Groove on Lake George

The scenic view from our "Lake front" cabin

We arrived at the Diamond Cove Cottages in Lake George as excited as four people could be. We had a wonderful vacation in Vermont two years ago and  I was under the impression - now proven to be somewhat wrong - that Lake George, NY would be a lot like North Hero, VT only a little closer to a grocery store. As vacations go, we're duds. We move fast throughout the year - not as fast as some but faster than many - and our primary goal on vacation is to slow it the hell down. We have little in the way of itinerary. We like beautiful scenery, quiet, and water to fish in. Anything else is a bonus.

Or so we thought - we also kind of want a nice place to stay. 

Nice for a college dorm?

The ENTIRE "game room"

Our parents vacation with us and they hadn't arrived yet. We figured we'd just stroll the premises and take it all in. We wanted to see all the amenities this place had that made the "resort" - it is actually called a Lakeside Resort - something even better than our Lakefront Cabin. There was a basketball court, a game room, an exercise room and of course, a nice beach and dock off of which we could fish. Boats we could take out! It was going to be amazing!!!

They had all of that stuff - just not how we pictured it. We didn't expect a full sized court, a basket and 20 feet of safe area would work - but what we got was a basket leaning over with cones on both sides of the court which separated the court from a road to the main cabins..Oh - the court tilted pretty heavily. 

As for the game room - we had modest expectations as well, ping pong, foosball, maybe a miniature pool table and a couple of outdated arcade games would have been fine. A pinball machine would have been cool. They had four "games" - but only one was a real game. 

The cottages - well - do you remember the fight scene in Dirty Dancing?

All I can say is I was waiting for Patrick Swayze to jump out of one
of these things and beat me up. 

The beach... Very small, the dock wasn't horribly sized but was it wasn't configured so anyone could cast a line. The boats looked dumpy. They had a playground. Our kids are too old for playgrounds - but it didn't add to the charm of the place - I've seen much nicer ones in neighborhood back yards. 

And while we hadn't entered our cabin yet - (it was at least separated from the row of cabins that conjured up Dirty Dancing)  we had seen the outside and had definite reasons for concern. 

Home sweet..,.. (That's a pretty busy road in the back and this
story doesn't even mention our neighbors who had a brawl
after we went to bed. 

I didn't want to say it - but I knew we were in trouble. The place may have been less than we expected but we could have made it work if it were just Mary, Jojo, Jocelyn and I. But we had two more coming - and I wasn't optimistic that my parents would take to the place's rustic charm. 

I called over Mary - who was doing an amazing job of keeping it positive and trying to point out the good things to the kids.  

"I don't want to put a negative spin on this" I said quietly, "but this place is a dump." I wasn't sure what she'd say - we kind of balance each other on the optimism front and I thought she might give me reason to believe that my eyes were deceiving me. 

But even she couldn't pretend that we had found a hidden gem.  

"I know." She said. 

"My Mom is going to die when she sees this."

"I know." She said. 

So I called my first family meeting...You haven't lived until you experience one of my family meetings. "This place isn't quite what we expected and your grandparents might be a bit disappointed. PLEASE try to keep it positive this week. We will have fun and if you seem happy we have an even chance of them being happy."

They assured me they would keep it positive - and I was certain they would. Jojo actually thought the place was OK, and Jocelyn is old enough to understand things like that. 

So we walked to the cabin...My parents had arrived in the interim. 

I knew my parents wouldn't like the place - but I didn't have the foresight to predict the scene that awaited us when we walked in. 

My Dad was seated on the couch. I took a quick look around and realized that the cabin was every bit as dumpy as the grounds. "Hi," he said, "you're Mother's a little upset that there's only one bathroom." 

On cue my Mom stormed into the "great room" - this was a 12X10 room that served as a kitchen, living room and dining room complete with a 14 inch color tv! She was in hysterics - "THIS PLACE IS NOT NICE!!! I AM SO SORRY! I AM SO SORRY! I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW BAD THIS PLACE IS!!!" 

She had no reason to be sorry. We had all chosen the place - Travelocity had such loving reviews on the place you would think it was anointed by JC himself. But man was she pissed....

We tried to rally - but by the next day we had to move. The week was paid for in cash and we didn't get a dime of refund. THAT is how much it sucked. 

But it's not that simple. 

My Dad is in horrible health. It can take him five minutes to move 40 feet with his walker. He's frustrated and occasionally loses his temper..."I don't understand any of you people" he growled at dinner one night..."You carry on like idiots all the time and you're just so damn annoying..."

Nobody - besides my Mom - got upset with him. He's going through hell. We all hope we can exit the stage of life with dignity - and he's not. He's peeing in bed, falling regularly, unable to sit up for prolonged periods of time. He can yell at us, we're family. 

My Mom didn't quite see it that way. She went off on him in a huge way and then returned to our loft (our new accommodations at The Juliana  ) and told Mary and Jocelyn that my Dad was a horrible person she should have divorced 40 years ago. 

And you thought YOUR family vacations were fun!!!

All we wanted!!! And we finally

But it's turned around a lot the past couple of days. My daughter had her first college visit and it was so much fun to see her so excited. We spent some time in downtown Lake George and there's quite a bit to do. 

But most of all - we've finally relaxed. We found our peace. Jojo, Jocelyn, Mary and I -  we've kayaked, canoed, laughed and just been a family. We've endured - and we're better for it. 

We're dysfunctional as hell. But we're doing ok. 

The "It" Factor in Youth Sports

A couple months ago I got an e-mail from our soccer club commissioner indicating someone had contacted him to see if her son could play on the team in our age group. I'd been that this road before - I wasn't optimistic.
My first conversation with the boys Mom did nothing to stir my enthusiasm. The kid had played one season of organized soccer in a low-level rec league.I assumed this was another Mom with an unrealistic view of her son. His experience was one step up from "he's never played organized before, but he loves it, he's always playing in the backyard." I coach a travel team made up mostly of kids of kids who have played for 5 or 6 years.

 However, half my kids were going to be playing a lot of baseball this Spring and I figured it wouldn't hurt to contact his coach from the Fall. He was good enough to write me back and tell me the young man was worth a look.

So he "made" the team. I figured he'd be a nice benchwarmer.

The first time we played a game - we didn't have any practices before we played in a friendly tournament - I put him in after a few minutes. My main assistant asked who the heck that kid was... I said - I don't know, I figured we needed another body. My number one - who knows a hell of a lot more soccer than I do said "he's got it."

And he was right.

He's raw. He needs a lot more touches. He gets caught out of position sometimes. It's all to be expected from a guy who played his first game 8 months ago.

He's also one of the best kids I have - he blows away kids that have been playing for years and have attended the camps, gone to the clinics, done all the things that are supposed to produce talent.

. He has "it."

"It" is footspeed., agility, vision and aggressiveness.It is also intangible - "presence" if you will.  It can be taught to a degree, but to overuse the word, for the most part you either have it, or you don't.

There's nothing wrong with a kid playing a sport for years - if he/she loves it. I believe in everything that sports teaches - no matter what the talent level is.

But I laugh at the notion that a kid needs to specialize in one sport at an UnGodly early age - in the name of scholarships. Scholarship level athletic talent is overwhelmingly God given, or for my agnostic friends - genetic.

Allow me one example.

I went to a middle school football game this fall. I saw kids who have played football for six years lined up as defensive backs, and they don't have any recovery speed. There are kids all over the city playing Xbox who could be taught to break on the football faster than these experienced kids...If one of them decides in high school..."what the hell, I'll go out for football" they're going to beat out these kids - you can't teach recovery speed. The parents of the kid who has played most of his life will go ballistic because the coach was so stupid to take a kid who hadn't played.

The coach can teach how to play. He's got 5 days/week and 2 hours a day to do it. He can't teach recovery speed.

Basketball might be even worse, In my sons age group they had 50 kids - most of them won't make their middle school team. When you play basketball, height  is part of (but certainly not all) having "it."

Yes - years of work getting a head start is going to make you better. It can take good and make great - but it can't compensate for slow feet, poor vision, and all the intangibles.

 I guess you can send the kid to speed and agility training...but one thing I've never figured out...If a slow kid goes to speed and agility training and a fast and agile kid goes to speed and agility training..., Who is going to be faster and more agile? What's the use?

This is not dissuade anyone - no matter what their level of ability - from playing an organized sport. But if you're spending thousands to get kids to camps so he can have that edge, and he's still a "pretty good player" but nothing special. If he's still bringing home 3rd place ribbons on field day, - don't blow the kids college fund on a new car just yet.

Missing My Religion

I miss being a Christian.

Not long ago we were watching Hoosiers and the obvious reference to David vs. Goliath was mentioned. I looked at my son - who has spent some time in Sunday school but is anything but "well-churched."

I asked him - "Do you know about David and Goliath?"

"No," he answered, "were they good basketball players?"

Did I mention my Mom is a Lutheran minister? We won't be sharing that anecdote on Easter Sunday.

Last week I decided I needed more confirmation that I have completely ignored my vows when I baptized Jojo.

"Do you know what happened on Good Friday?"

"Yeah...no...I don't know" He was on this obnoxious headset that makes him look like a fighter pilot playing Mortal Combat. Those of you who have dubbed me a good parent should be having serious doubts right about now.

"Well - Jesus died on Good Friday."

"Oh yeah - I heard about that. Why'd he die?"

This was an asinine time to have such a conversation, but I pressed forward. "Um...to redeem us for our sins."

"Oh...were people bad back then?"

What the hell...I opened this can of worms, "Well no, um...yeah, they were bad but he died for us too. Because we are sinners just like them."

"Even me?" he asked. Let me state for the record there was no wide-eyed interest in the whole thing - he was just killing time until a friend logged in so he could shoot up enemy villages with a partner.

"Yes, even you. We're all sinners. We all do things wrong."

That seemed to resonate..."Like that time I shot the penalty kick over the goal?"

OK...He didn't say that - but trust me that the conversation wasn't resonating. He certainly didn't come any closer to understanding a key message of Christianity through this conversation. Maybe he felt better knowing that even know he pisses me off when he plays bad defense and doesn't rebound in a basketball game that some guy died to take care of it.

My spiritual friends - particularly those that met me in church - are probably taken aback. And I hate to add to it - but I still don't feel much desire to roll back into church.

My daughter is confirmed and at least knows her way around a church - she's got the basics down. She doesn't thank Jesus for forgiving her when she blares a note on her French Horn on a rest, but she's not lobbying us to go back. Then again - not many teenagers would.

I'm not an Atheist. I am not that arrogant. Hard core Atheists are every bit as annoying and arrogant as the religious fanatics they dismiss as deluded or arrogant. I may agree with some of what Bill Maher says when it comes to politics, but I can't watch him anymore because he never misses a single opportunity to take a cheap potshot at anybody who believes in an entity beyond themselves.

I'm open to such an entity - but at the end of the day, I just don't know.

I guess that makes me Agnostic - but to me that label is little better than Atheist. I don't like to identify myself that way for reasons I can't explain.

I don't consider myself smarter than people who practice a religion - many of whom are brilliant. At the same time I don't want to be misunderstood as someone who never tried. I can school plenty of people on the Bible and argue a case for Christianity with the best of them. I have gone to plenty of Bible study, adult Sunday school, and I have read scores of books by Christian authors to grow my faith. I have come to this conclusion after years of trying.

Years ago I wrote a blog on MySpace (wow!) where I made the case that God's omnipotence was not a matter of knowing that I plan on mailing it in today at work and that tragedies like Sandy Hook were happening under his watch. I made the case that God had a learning curve - and cited the Bible to make my case. I argued that God understood that in the end good would win out over evil - that the human spirit would prevail. I essentially argued that if the story of humanity was a football game, God wouldn't be able to explain why the hell a team called a draw on 3rd and 18, but he would know what's most important: the final score.

My Christian friends wholeheartedly dismissed my theory with a heck of a lot of passion. And while they argued their case eloquently - but in the end I held to my theory. My friends didn't understand - I was trying to reconcile a loving God amidst this world - I didn't need a speech on predestination anymore than a Mother who watches a child suffer with cancer wants to hear that the whole thing is part of God's plan.

Suffering of children is one of my main problems with Christianity. I'm not the first that came up with this. In Doestovsky's classic The Brothers Karamazov - for my money one of the best pieces of literature ever - the character Ivan spends a lot of time explaining his lack of belief, but reconciling a loving God with a child's suffering was at the core of it.

I have other issues. The Bible doesn't add up (for me) in a lot of places. As Christians we like to skip over a good part of the Old Testament. The draconian and unreasonable laws laid down by God in Leviticus, the stories of horrible massacres - all orchestrated by God - in several books...Basically if the Israelites pissed off God they got routed in battle, if they acted right they would be able to kill 60,000 people at a clip. I can't get excited about Passover. With all due respect to my Jewish friends the God who swept through Egypt and took out every first born son isn't a God I want to align myself with.

But I'm not arguing anything new - and I know there are eloquent and reasonable explanations Christians (and Jews) can make to explain all of my "issues." But in the end, I can't call myself a Christian anymore.

That doesn't mean I don't miss it.

I love the idea of Jesus - the king who came in and spent most of his time with those that society snubbed. He fed the poor, he forgave the underserving, he loved and laughed and cried and remained true to his mission. For the life of me I can't understand how Conervatism and Christianity seem to go hand in hand (in many cases.) Jesus is probably the biggest factor in my identifying myself as a liberal. To me he was the ultimate liberal.

OK - I SWEAR this chapel had a bench outside the entrance
when I was a cadet!

I miss praying and believing that God heard. I miss the 17-year old boy who was facing dismissal from his high school and sat and prayed for hours outside the school chapel one night and when the decision came down that not only would I not be dismissed but that my punishment would be little more than a slap on the wrist - I celebrated God's love for me.

I miss church camp. I would go every Summer in the mountains of Virginia and laugh and grow close to people who probably wouldn't give me the time of day in the real world.

I miss the young man that prayed for hours that I would get a job and I woke up the next morning to a phone call telling me the job was mine.

I miss the guy who was battling his first bout of depression and had thoughts of suicide and after a Good Friday service in 1995 I sat alone in the church and cried and asked God for something, ANYTHING, good to happen. A few weeks later I met my wife at a gym a block away from said church.

But praying also led me to start a ridiculously stupid business that never, ever, was going to make money. I thought it was God's will. I also thought it was God's will that led me to write a condescending column in my church newsletter lambasting the membership for what I felt was an inadequate reaction to Hurricane Katrina - I still shudder at my arrogance. The marriage I thought God had sent to me wound up in years of misery for both of us and ended.

In short - believing in the loving God of the Bible and trying hard to be what I considered a good Christian left me incredibly depressed a good amount of the time. While I have far from beaten my depression - I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be when I was trying hard to be "right" with God.

No - I just can't believe anymore. I'm not alone. Religion is dying in this country - in a big way, particularly mainline Protestant churches. The congregations are dying and there aren't people replacing them. One of the largest churches in Bethlehem (that's PA - not overseas!) can seat hundreds but most of the seats are empty. The Sunday school has about 10 kids. Total.



And yet.

I believe in the overall goodness of the human spirit. I think there's a reason that true evil can be recognized and that collective consciousness can not be explained simply by Science. Why do I care at all about children dying in Connecticut? Why would so many of us cry over it. On a logical level it doesn't make sense - on a spiritual level it does.

I've spoken of Christianity because that's all I know. Sure I can explain the basics of other faiths - but I haven't practiced them. Maybe I should give them a try.

Or maybe I'm like the prodigal son. Maybe I'll return. I haven't given up on God, but I don't know when, or if, I'll return to the flock.

I was looking for an image of Jesus for here - but I only
found pictures of white guys!

I'll miss going to church this Sunday and belting out beautiful hymns like Thine is the Glory and Jesus Christ has Risen Today. Maybe I will go - but I feel bad going for ceremonial and nostalgic purposes.

Thanks for reading.

Happy Easter.

Dear Hero: Let's Talk

So you're gay.

 I guess that's a hard thing to tell your Dad. I get that. But your Mom? It wasn't that long ago you came and asked me the biblical position on homosexuals. I pointed out that the same verses where the "practice" (a really bad choice of words but like most blogs I'm doing this one at 3am) was forbidden comes among a whole slew of verses where the standards are so high (and the punishments so severe) that were we to follow the rules as layed out in Leviticus we would all be walking around with nails in our tongues, or not walking around at all.

I pointed out that Jesus never spent any time condemning homosexuals, rather he chose to spend his efforts on loving society's outcasts. I told her Jesus didn't say anything about homosexuals - but he had plenty to say about the righteous.

I don't even know what I believe anymore - but I think I did OK on that one. I made her feel OK without slamming the door on Christianity should she ever decide to explore again.

But you've never told me. You seem to have told everybody but me. I like to think you just assume I know and I'm OK with it. I hope my rant last year about not wanting to go to Rehobeth Beach on vacation didn't upset you! :-)

Maybe it was when I realized you were following gay support groups on Twitter. Maybe it was when you took the "Day of Silence" to a degree bordering on silly. Maybe it was your eloquent and passionate speech about the Kurt character on Glee. Maybe it was when you joined Young Marines.


It was probably when you started talking about a new friend you met last year. It was quickly obvious she was a lot more than a friend.


None of these things in and of themselves was anything that made me sure you were gay. I never was sure. You threw some stuff at me with a couple random boyfriends. I hope you didn't bring them around for my benefit.

My friends tell me that  a girl your age shouldn't get caught up in labels - and that girls area a lot more fluid sexually than boy and that it's not unheard of for a girl to experiment and in the end choose boys. And that's fine. But it's also fine if you stay where you are. I need you to understand that.

As sort of a sidebar - let me just say that I give major kudos to kids today for being so accepting of people with different gender orientations. Oh I'm sure it's not easy - but nobody was admitting these things when I was in school. I went to a small high school and college - but I went to school with at least 5,500 different people over the years and none of them were openly gay. Many have come out since then - but back then it wasn't an option. Pop culture from the 80's and early 90's is full of disdainful references to gay people - we weren't ready for it.

I wasn't ready for it in high school - but I think I had a pretty good reason. It was a Southern baptist military academy. The very first night as a cadet I stood at parade rest in a steaming hot room while two guys riffed on how none of us better be gay...That they'd run us out if we were - that there was nothing worse you could be - at Fork Union or anywhere else. It was asinine. With the edict on homosexuals came the rule that masturbation was the way they'd know if we were gay. So we had 500 teenage boys pretending not to masterbate. It was at FUMA where I discovered nocturnal emissions. I even felt guilty about those - it wasn't until college I learned that I was normal - at least biologically.

But any homophobia I had ended when the AIDS quilt came to Lafayette. I spent hours in the schools field house looking over as many patches of the quilt I could find. I remember Freddy Mercury's tribute was there as well as some other celebrities - but for the most part I remember the quilts of regular people. It was obvious they were no different than me - that gay people weren't trying to pervert society - they were just trying to be themselves.

This was 1992. As a society we weren't quite ready. The evangelical Christians were still relevant - and vocal. Even in 2004, the Democratic Presidential candidate - the most boring man alive - couldn't even stand up and support the gay population. Give the Democrats credit - they managed to throw out the one guy in America lacking the charisma to defeat President Bush - and even then he lost by a single state.

But I digress as I often do. The point is - what was a modicum of acceptance a decade ago has turned into an avalanche. Mainline churches are dying - but open homosexuality is accepted. As it should be.

My daughter, my hero, do you think I can't handle this? Do you think I'll dismiss your feelings as a fad? Or try and "bring you back" to my team? You have to know me better than that. Please tell me that's the case. I know I don't always give you a tower of strength - but my shoulders are wide enough for this one.

I can help you. I can help you find colleges where you'll feel accepted (although to their credit - her friends know and are largely standing with her. To those of you beating up on kids today - stop it! I'm amazed at how much smarter and culturally sensitive kids are today. We aren't better than them).

Mental health issues run in our family. I can help you recognize and treat them if they come up.

Your friends Mother - a woman you knew and loved - died way to early a few days ago. You're attending your first funeral today. I'm sure you're asking why? You may be asking what the hell is the point of it all? I remember my first existential crisis and it wasn't pretty. It plagued me for years.

I can help you.

I haven't forgotten one iota about how hard it is to be a teenager.

It's obvious you aren't going to come to me. Oh to most of the world I'm a good Father. I am there for your events. We have a good relationship. I help you with your homework. I encourage you to pursue your passion and be proud of who you are. I guess I do the right things - but in this case I'm not doing enough. Not nearly enough.

Let's talk. You and me. maybe I'm not present enough lately. Maybe you think I don't have time and that your brother is my "child of choice." But your brother is my gift. You are my hero. You always have been.

Don't worry about coming to me. I'm the adult. I'm coming to you. Soon. And if you aren't ready to talk we'll just hang out and be completely unspectacular with one another - but you need to know I'm available. You need to know that for all the things I can't do - this is one I can handle.

I love you. More than words can say. I'm coming to help.

Weather One-Liners I Wish Would Die

Winter is down to the home stretch (although right now it's putting up a last gasp) and that means for nine months we won't have to hear the stupid zingers that the weather obsessed love to trot out every Winter. Here's a few of the most common, and thus most annoying:

1) "Weather forecasting is  the only profession in the world where you can be wrong all the time and still have a job!"

I sort of get it.

We live in an age where we can pretty much manage our entire lives with a 5 inch "phone."  If you wake up at 3AM and decide that you're paying too damn much for car insurance you can call Geico and they'll be happy to help you. Jeff Bezos talked openly about having your Amazon order delivered by drones in 30 minutes and there are some smart people who think driver-less cars will be the norm in 10 years.

How could weather accuracy elude
us when we've invented something
 like this?

Sometimes it's hard to understand how Suzanne Sommers can solve the problem of women having to get dressed every day but the world's leading scientist can still screw up the damn weather!

But weather forecasts have been damn accurate lately. They nailed Hurricane Sandy, Hurricane Katrina and virtually every snowstorm over the past few years. This year they missed on "Juno" - but you'd be foolish to plan a bar-b-que if the forecasters are calling for 6 inches of snow.
Of course - every office has the weather experts who take the worst possible forecast (in our area we get New York and Philly stations as well as local so the doomsayers have a lot to choose from) - so they can always find a way to complain.
But next time you decide weather forecasters are dumber then hell - please advise me when they got it wrong on heat - or when they were off on the temperature more than a marginal amount.

2) There's nothing on the ground! How the hell can the close school for this?

Apparently when I grew up we were walking to school in blizzards, monsoons and sub-zero temperatures. I just don't remember it. What I remember is getting annoyed listening to my parents complain about how they close the schools too much and we are "coddling" our kids. I made up snow days in Summer and I definitely had days off when it was cold (I specifically remember they called school on the day of President Reagan's second inauguration due to snow - but there were other days). No Gen Xrs - we weren't that badass. We made up snow days in the Summer too.

The Superintendent of our school district kindly Tweets school delays and closings and consistently gets lambasted no matter what he does. If it's a delay there's a group of parents saying he doesn't care about safety. When the schools are closed a bigger group starts the "kids today are lame" argument. Some of them are very disrespectful - but for whatever reason people think because they pay .002% of the school districts budget they should raise holy hell over anything anybody does.

Why am I paying taxes if they can't plow my street?

This one's simple: because if they added more resources for snow removal you'd pay MORE taxes and complain about that too.

How can anyone park in my spot? I shoveled it damn it!!

Yes - there's widespread conviction that you own a public parking spot if you shoveled it until the snow melts. Except...You don't. By the "I'm going to put my patio set in the street" logic nobody should ever be able to have visitors over until all of the snow melts.

Compounding the problem is those that dig out their spot tend to pile up the snow in front of and back of their cars, thus reducing the amount of cars that can park on the street. Sometimes it's unavoidable to do anything but make a special embankment for your car - often it isn't.

And finally my favorite:

Global warming my ass..F'ing Al Gore..

Yes - another way to say this is "Damn it, I'M COLD, thus the whole world is cold."  I see this logic all the time..Last year it was frigid where I lived, bringing out the "I don't believe thousands of scientists because I'm a conservative and I don't like Al Gore" crowd...Who ignored the irony that during this period they were struggling to keep the Winter Olympics going in 60 degree weather.

Yes - there are some funny anecdotes - a couple of years ago a ship went into the antarctic to study the melting of the polar ice caps and wound up getting stuck in ice - but fourteen of the fifteen warmest years have occurred since the turn of the century. That doesn't mean YOUR .003% of the world was necessarily warm in any given  year - but I'm not going to bet against these numbers.

To those of you who insist on sticking your head up your ass on this - I ask you...Who is making it big on this?

I hate to mention politics - because I do know that nobody is going to change their mind based on the ramblings of an insignficant blogger - but I wish we'd find a way to come together on this one...And hey - if we are wrong and everything is fine and dandy - at what cost? If we're right - it's going to be ugly before too long. And frankly I'm skin cancer waiting to happen as it is!

Dear (), An Open Letter to my Son's Biological Mother

The adoption agency didn’t do a very good job of hiding who you were. They gave me a first name, an age, height, race and they told me where you happened to be on February 6, 2004.

You have a unique first name. I probably would have found you at some point, but you kind of made it easy for me when you went to prison a few years ago for dealing drugs.

So there you are – my sons biological Mother, with a profile on Facebook that doesn’t hide much. I know so much about you – and you don’t have a clue who I am.

I know about your four kids, my sons siblings…You don’t have them anymore. I’m sorry.


He’s doing well – the son you gave birth to a little over 11 years ago. He’s handsome, makes friends easily, never has a bad word to say about anyone, and he has a pure heart. He’s good at art and music. He’s a gifted athlete – maybe he gets it from you. God he’s fast.

He struggles with his reading – and we try to help. It’s scary – because with every passing month it becomes more troubling. Why can’t he close the gap? So many people are trying to help – and he does make progress, but he can’t break through. But he tries – and somehow you just know that it’s going to be all right.

He dreams of playing soccer at Lafayette. I don’t know if that desire will hold or if he’s got the skills on the field to make it so, but I won’t let him fail him academically, I promise you that.

My life has been shaped by your decision in more ways that you can imagine.

I stayed in my marriage long after it was dead because of you. I felt like you wanted your son to have a complete family. And so I stayed in a completely dysfunctional situation for several years even though the situation was irreparable.

I’m not saying that because I blame you. I just want you to know I tried. And I’m sorry that I didn’t give him what I implicitly promised when I adopted him – that I would give him a stable, 2 parent home.

He doesn’t ask about you. We’ve never had any discussion about him being adopted. He called me Dad from the moment he could talk. I didn’t feel any need to give him a qualifier to that label. I have found out that a lot of people who don’t know the whole story just assume that his biological Mom is black – they don’t give much thought to the possibility that I might not be his biological Father.

Oh, the conversation will come someday. And I promise you this: When I speak of you it will be in the most glowing of terms.

The beauty of it is – I won’t be lying.

Yes, you made some mistakes. The righteous would point to what you did and cite you as a despicable person. You went to jail, you lost your kids.

I knew all that years ago – but I never lost faith in you. You could never convince me that someone inherently bad could produce a child so pure. 

Redemption. It’s one of my favorite words. We all love a good redemption story.

And you’re putting one on.

I see you have another son now. So Jojo has at least 5 siblings. But that’s not important – what is important is you’ve turned your life around.

You post so often – and your posts are always about how proud you are of your son. I can tell you cherish him. I can tell you’re doing all you can to make sure you get this one right. It looks like you found a good man as well. I’m so happy for you.

I know how people make up different personas on Facebook – but I don’t doubt your sincerity. I don’t doubt your love. I know you’re working hard at Amazon. I know you are giving your son opportunities and making a good life for him.

I worry about your other kids – and I know you do too. If they have your spirit, your fight, they’ll be OK.

Maybe we’ll meet someday. I’ll leave that up to my son. I hope he decides he wants to meet you. In the meantime, thank you for giving me a window into your life. And thank you for being selfless enough to allow me to become his Dad.

Love,

Aaron